Keep, change or let go

For much of the last century, grief advice pointed toward letting go: work through the stages, detach, and move on. In 1996, the researchers Dennis Klass, Phyllis Silverman and Steven Nickman challenged that idea in Continuing Bonds. They argued that the bonds people keep with those they’ve lost are not denial, and that they can be a resource in the present. The holidays are often when we feel those bonds most, through the recipes, rituals and stories handed down to us.

But carrying something forward doesn’t mean carrying all of it. In The Art of Gathering, Priya Parker observes that many gatherings run on autopilot, repeating a format because it’s always been done that way. Her advice is to start with what a gathering is for and let the form follow. Holiday traditions are gatherings too. Some still serve their purpose; others, in a given year, bring mostly pressure, obligation or old pain. Changing one, or setting it down for a season, isn’t a betrayal of the people who started it. It’s part of how traditions stay alive.

Try this: Before the season gets busy, sort your traditions into three piles: the ones you’ll keep, the ones you’ll change, and the ones you’ll let go of this year. Then choose one to carry forward on purpose. If grief is keeping you from functioning months after a loss, or it feels stuck rather than slowly changing, that’s worth talking through with someone. Walk-In is here, no appointment needed.

Read about how relationships continue even after death, here.