Mental health tip: Building your mattering core
Journalist Jennifer Wallace’s recent book “Mattering: The Secret to a Life of Deep Connection and Purpose” offers a framework that’s particularly relevant for caregivers navigating sustained crisis. Wallace argues that mattering—the feeling that we are valued and have an opportunity to add value—is a fundamental human need, as essential to our wellbeing as food and water.
Research shows that mattering has specific ingredients, what Wallace calls the “mattering core.” Understanding these can help us both recognize our own mattering and create it for others:
Recognition: You are appreciated for who you are, not just what you do. Your presence is noticed, and your absence would be felt. For caregivers, this means acknowledging not just the tasks you complete, but the qualities you bring—your steadiness, your compassion, your wisdom.
Reliance: People depend on you and trust you. But importantly, this is different from being over-relied upon to the point of depletion. Healthy reliance means others count on you in ways that feel sustainable and mutual.
Importance: You feel significant to the people in your life. Wallace found that mattering happens most powerfully in small, everyday moments—someone remembering how you take your coffee, a colleague noticing when you seem off, a friend asking about something you mentioned weeks ago.
Attunement: You are worthy of being understood and responded to meaningfully. People pay attention to your needs and feelings, not just your capacity to meet theirs.
Being Invested In: Others are invested in your goals and wellbeing, and you are invested in theirs. This mutual investment creates what Wallace describes as “ego extension”—we care about each other’s flourishing, not in competition but in genuine connection.
Two key insights for caregivers:
- Energy works like a muscle, not a bank account. When we offer small acts of support—in our homes, neighborhoods, or communities—it can actually boost our sense of purpose and agency, which gives us energy rather than depleting us. The exhaustion comes when we’re constantly pouring out but our own sense of mattering isn’t being replenished.
- Mattering is fortified through relationships. According to research Wallace cites, our resilience is strengthened in the depth and support of our relationships. During sustained crisis, attending to your mattering core isn’t selfish—it’s what allows you to continue showing up.
Practical reflection:
- Which ingredients of your mattering core feel strong right now?
- Which feel depleted and might need attention?
- Who in your life helps you feel that you matter? When did you last tell them what they mean to you?
- How might you create small moments of mattering for others this week?
This concept is drawn from Jennifer Breheny Wallace’s book “Mattering: The Secret to a Life of Deep Connection and Purpose” (2026). For Walk-In volunteers interested in learning more, we have a copy available in our lending library.