Mental health tip: Grieving upon arrival

Psychologist Tal Ben-Shahar called it the “arrival fallacy” — the feeling of letdown after getting what you want, or the false belief that reaching a specific goal will bring lasting satisfaction. In reality, when we finally reach the arrival gate or achieve the milestone, the anticipated happiness fades or fails to surface at all, leaving us discouraged instead. Neuroscience backs this up: the brain’s reward system is wired for the pursuit of a goal, not the having of it — the surge peaks while we’re still reaching, and tapers once we arrive.

It shows up in small ways too, not just big milestones. These incredibly hot summer days in MN, even after so much longing all winter, can feel overwhelming. A new relationship, a new job, a long-awaited yes — all can carry a flicker of “wait, now what?” alongside the expectations.

If something you’ve been longing for finally arrives and it feels bigger or different than you expected, more disorienting than satisfying — it’s not a sign something’s wrong with you. It’s the gap between anticipation and reality.

Try taking the arrival in smaller doses rather than all at once — ten minutes on the porch instead of the whole hot afternoon, one honest conversation instead of the whole new relationship, one task instead of the whole new job. Practice presence, arrive gradually, on purpose. Practice noticing the landing instead of waiting for all the feeling to land at once.

To read more about the arrival fallacy, click here.